Pretending

The Sun
107 North Robertson Street
Chapel Hill, NC
27516

Readers Write

Pretending. submitted 12/31/2009

When they let me fall out of the car at three and I rolled into the gutter,

I pretended it didn’t hurt as much as it did.

And when I was lost in the woods of Germany for a day at seven,

I pretended I wasn’t afraid.

And when I had taken some money at eight and my dad held my hand in the flames of the stove burner,

I pretended to the ER Doctor I did it playing with matches.

And when my mother slapped me in front of everyone when I was 10,

I pretended I wasn’t scared running off in the woods of Yosemite forest.

And when my dad spanked us almost every night,

I pretended it was normal.

And when he humiliated me and my three brothers for wetting the bed,

I pretended I wasn’t ashamed.

And when my grandpa died and no one ever mentioned him again,

I pretended love was situational.

And when I flunked 8th grade because of hiding in the woods instead of doing homework,

I pretended it was no big deal.

And when my dad said I couldn’t be a man till I beat him up,

I pretended he didn’t mean it.

And when my dad was drunk and proposed having sex with my sister then drove off a cliff,

I pretended like mom that wasn’t the reason he died.

And when mom sent me to military school 1500 miles away where I was abused and lonely,

I pretended she didn’t get rid of me.

And when my sister and I spent three days on the train to get back to Utah for Mom’s new wedding and found she’d gotten married the day before,

I pretended we weren’t left out on purpose.

And at 17 when I hitch-hiked 1000 miles away after trying to live with my new stoic step-dad,

I pretended I could be on my own.

And when I was stealing things with no regard for others,

I pretended it didn’t matter.

And when my step dad kicked me out of the house in high school because I didn’t want to go to church,

I pretended I could run my own life.

And when the police picked me up for burglary,

I pretended it wasn’t me.

And when I barely got out of high school and joined the Army,

I pretended I wasn’t lost.

And when my girlfriend got pregnant not telling me she went off birth control,

I pretended I was in love and married her.

And when I got to the point I was going crazy,

I pretended it would be ok to die.

And when I finally divorced her,

I pretended she would be decent about it.

And when she put the kids in a double bind as to who they loved more.

I pretended they would figure it out when they got older.

And when my daughter kept her daughter away and said I didn’t care,

I pretended she would ask the right questions.

And when my daughter got breast cancer and didn’t deal with it like her mother taught her.

I pretended she would have a miracle and wouldn’t die.

And when my ex kicked me out of the funeral,

I pretended I could be strong.

And when it all was said and done,

I was no longer pretending, I was.


Michael Leary